MY OBITUARY
Jack “Skip” Beck –Born in Glendale, California, Mr. Beck passed after a lifetime struggle with blunt darts and bad lady’s headwear. He attended Burbank High School where he was voted “Person Most Likely to Have Their Spleen Removed and Sold on the Black Market”. He then attended Sacramento State University and UCLA, where he received degrees in Hatchet Throwing and Etruscan Slang Words.
A lover of animals, Mr. Beck was a lifetime member of the G.M.A. (Grossly Misunderstood Animals). In particular he befriended and attempted to domesticate abandoned badgers, wolverines and opossums, successfully teaching them to “roll over”, “sit”, “fetch the paper”,( much to the chagrin of his neighbors, since these animals generally have a gross over-estimation of their actual territory), and “shake hands”, rather than attacking a visitor’s jugular vein or scratching their eyes out of their sockets.
Mr. Beck also favored several charities during his lifetime, especially “Children without Laces” and “Dogs without Lips”. Although not a rich man, Mr. Beck personally contributed dozens of shoelaces to needy children and adopted at least one dog without lips, although he admitted that he never really understood what the dog was saying.
Mr. Beck was also known for his amazing catalogue of ancient Druid folk music, which he labored relentlessly to translate into pig Latin. He also had a fondness for war-time music, and will be remembered for his stirring version of “Sink the Bismark”, often sung with the accompaniment of a didgeridoo.
A fanatic music collector, he possessed dozens of records, tapes and pieces of sheet music at his passing, including the very rare “Boxcar Willie’s tribute to Twisted Sister” and Steven Seagal’s frightening vocal tribute to trumpeter Miles Davis.
Mr. Beck also loved to cook, winning a tin medal from some town outside Bakersfield for his delicious “Spammy Yams” and “Donuts that look like Dung”. He also received an honorable notice (and a warning to never return) from the East Los Angeles Annual Chili Cook-off, where he chose to replace the traditional pinto bean with bubble wrap, much to the chagrin of the largely Hispanic audience.
He is survived by everyone now living and was preceded in death by everyone already dead. In lieu of letter bombs, donations may be sent to the International Potato Carving Society.
Inscribed on Mr. Beck’s headstone are the prophetic words that leave an indelible mark on the psyche on the reader: “Whatever Doesn’t Kill You Will Likely Leave a Mark.” He will be missed; especially by those to whom he still owes money.
LIKES AND DISLIKES (From a Dating Site)
DISLIKES:
Dr. Phil in Speedos, arbitrary use of a warning device, the chance to make only ONE good first impression (Jeez, the pressure!), white guys dancing to anything but surf music, sand in my shoes, someone with so much cologne it induces an involuntary gag reflex, “They” (who are they anyway?), being buffeted by an artic blast with a wind chill factor of 60 below (especially when you’re trying to putt!), feeling confounded, Christmas Carols sung out of season, Bluetooth headsets at the gym!, butt implants, the latest Britney Spears news, the part of the story left untold, fashion fascism, the word “tree” or “creek” used in the name of anyplace completely devoid of trees or creeks, SUV’s the size of some third world countries, horses or other any animal that can kill you by stepping on you, strangers who insist on penetrating your comfort zone, fake crab meat, facial tattoos, NASCAR racing or the art of turning left, old sponges, 2 people living in a 10,000 square foot house (you could put an African village in there!), the terrible tattoos on NBA players (I mean you’re a millionaire… get a decent tatt!), Brad Miller being interviewed – scary, Maidenhair ferns (no matter what you do for them, they die), holidays made up by advertising agencies in order to manipulate consumers with that whole guilt/spend paradigm, fishing/watching paint dry, pit bull owners (see NASCAR above), amusement park rides that thrash and spin violently (bad inner-ear thing), needlessly steep learning curves, planned obsolescence, The Yugo (just a bad idea all the way around),
LIKES:
Severe mullets, driving a ’57 Cadillac convertible on a summer night listening to Tower of Power turned up to 10, public displays of affection, getting the “Elvis” parking place at the shopping center, a well-hit 4-iron (tough club), Spam (I like the name), elderly guys at the gym checking out the chicks, cool scars (chicks Do dig them & they’re great conversation starters, especially for the overly morbid), Stephen King books, Thailand, snuggling in satin sheets on rainy days (hopefully with someone), the name Bob (it’s strong, simple and it’s a palindrome), my dog Diva singing to Gregorian chants, Hefeweizen on draft, Caddyshack, the mustang from Bullitt, a vintage Stratocaster plugged into a Fender Blues DeVille, sushi (especially the deadly Blowfish in the hands of a master), ping-pong, working on a car and having it still run when you’re done, people who listen, Kill Bill 1 & 2, any Denzel Washington movie, existentialistic writers (okay, so I put that one in because it sounds cool), being silly in inappropriate moments, doing anything with my kids, Japanese game shows, a good cowboy movie, helping people, an unearned smile, peanuts and beer at a sporting event, profound nonsense, any Marx Brothers movie, the uniforms on Star Trek (any year), county fairs, not paying retail for anything, Steve McQueen,
